Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Liveblogging my holidays

My grandmother does not believe that other humans are capable of doing simple tasks. The following is a transcript of her step by step instructions on how to put flowers in water.

Her: Pick up the flowers.

Me: {picking up flowers in right hand, awaiting further instructions}

Her: Now the vase.

Me: {picking up vase in left hand, awaiting further instructions, feeling humiliated}

Her: Now open the plant food.

Me: {Attempting compliance. 506 Out of hands error. Reboot.}

Her: You don't need the bloody vase in yer hand.

Me: You're the one who told me to pick it up.

Her: Ye did it ass backwards.

Me: But you got the map, Miss Daisy.

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