Wednesday, December 25, 2013

More Holiday Liveblogging

I've heard that, in ancient China, prisoners convicted of capital crimes were expected to kill themselves by eating a pound of salt.

My grandmother must think I've killed someone.

These are the leftovers she expects me and me alone to finish before leaving tomorrow morning. Pictured are a slice of pie, a pound of macaroni and cheese, six frozen cheesesteaks, three slices of pizza, seven cans of soda, seven oranges, about a quart of ice cream, one combination Russian phrase book and Bible, three mango popsicles, a full bag of mozzarella sticks, most of a bag of cheese curls, and a little less than half of a full-grown adult turkey.

Help.

Home for the Holidays

Star Wars Holiday Special Cantina
Sent from my iPhone
I decided to give the computer that writes my articles a day off.

Happy holidays, everybody!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Liveblogging my holidays

My grandmother does not believe that other humans are capable of doing simple tasks. The following is a transcript of her step by step instructions on how to put flowers in water.

Her: Pick up the flowers.

Me: {picking up flowers in right hand, awaiting further instructions}

Her: Now the vase.

Me: {picking up vase in left hand, awaiting further instructions, feeling humiliated}

Her: Now open the plant food.

Me: {Attempting compliance. 506 Out of hands error. Reboot.}

Her: You don't need the bloody vase in yer hand.

Me: You're the one who told me to pick it up.

Her: Ye did it ass backwards.

Me: But you got the map, Miss Daisy.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

MRE Review: Menu 18, Chicken with Noodles

Bread and the military go way back, but it hasn't always been a happy relationship.

Hard breads have gone by a few different names through the ages. The Egyptians made theirs out of millet and called it dhourra. The Romans called theirs buccellum. British sailors called the stuff “hard tack,” a name that spread to America and is still used today.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Mistakes to Avoid When You're a Superhero's Girlfriend

Orgazmo

Maybe you first met him in high school. Or maybe it was on his first day of work. Or maybe it was that time you were kidnapped by a masked madman and tied up over a vat of acid. Maybe you hardly knew he existed until circumstances threw you together and he finally had a chance to prove his worth, at which point you learned that he’d been obsessed with you for years.

Creepily obsessed with you.

For years.

Yeeeeeah, so you probably should have shut that down right there. But something in the back of your brain (possibly a minor embolism from the acid fumes) told you to go ahead and date him, and now you're a superhero’s girlfriend.

Your relationship sure had a rocky start, but it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. Right?

Well, it could be, if you avoid these common mistakes...