Friday, January 31, 2014

Kids

You know what can save your relationship? A baby.

I'm so tired of explaining why I don't want kids. I mean, if you want something, shouldn't you have to explain why you want it? That's how wanting things works. You don't make a shopping list of all the things at the supermarket that you don't want, do you? Well, it's the exact same principle at work, if you don't think about the comparison too hard. No, stop thinking about it!

Crap, you thought about it, didn't you? Well then, I guess you've won an explanation.

I have never wanted kids, because I have never liked kids.

And yes, I mean every word of that. Even the "never" part. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. I was always that eight-year-old who, while the other kids were running around screaming, was standing off in the corner with her arms crossed over her chest, muttering, "I blame the parents."

So yeah, please stop asking me why I don't want kids, because the reason is fucking obvious: kids are annoying little douchebags. People say they want kids to fill a hole in their lives, and hey, I'm not going to argue. If your kids fill a hole in your life, that's awesome! I'm sincerely happy for you. This is honestly not sarcasm. I really think that's wonderful!

It's just that I, personally, do not happen to have a diaper-shitting, back-talking, aneurism-inducing, money-sucking-shaped hole in my life.

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