Friday, January 31, 2014

Kids

You know what can save your relationship? A baby.

I'm so tired of explaining why I don't want kids. I mean, if you want something, shouldn't you have to explain why you want it? That's how wanting things works. You don't make a shopping list of all the things at the supermarket that you don't want, do you? Well, it's the exact same principle at work, if you don't think about the comparison too hard. No, stop thinking about it!

Crap, you thought about it, didn't you? Well then, I guess you've won an explanation.

I have never wanted kids, because I have never liked kids.

And yes, I mean every word of that. Even the "never" part. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. I was always that eight-year-old who, while the other kids were running around screaming, was standing off in the corner with her arms crossed over her chest, muttering, "I blame the parents."

So yeah, please stop asking me why I don't want kids, because the reason is fucking obvious: kids are annoying little douchebags. People say they want kids to fill a hole in their lives, and hey, I'm not going to argue. If your kids fill a hole in your life, that's awesome! I'm sincerely happy for you. This is honestly not sarcasm. I really think that's wonderful!

It's just that I, personally, do not happen to have a diaper-shitting, back-talking, aneurism-inducing, money-sucking-shaped hole in my life.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Digestive System, Part 10: The Bitter End

GI, digestive system, Gastrointestinal Tract
Last time, we took a good hard look at the colon. Before we leave, let's take a short romp down a dead-end street called the appendix.

The vermiform appendix (from the Latin for “worm-shaped hanger on”) is a little pocket attached to the cecum. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Rather, it’s just a cul-de-sac off the large intestine, where poo can chill out and forget its worries for a while. You've probably been taught that it's vestigial—a useless waste of tissue, just like male nipples or Dr. Phil.

But is the appendix really purposeless?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Eleanor Grk'stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

Orc kindergarten teacher of mordor

The Diary of Eleanor Grk’stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

15th of Muckfell, 2951
Sauron has returned and retaken his place as Dark Lord of Mordor. I have mixed feelings about that.

I didn’t vote for him, but he is my Dark Lord and, as a patriotic Mordorian, I feel I must support him. I do worry that we’re making something of a dynasty, though. I mean, we already had Sauron as Dark Lord back in the Second Age. After only one term, the Numenoreans defeated him and Dinky the Foul rose in his place. After Dinky the Foul disgraced himself by failing to have a sex scandal, we elected Sauron again, thinking he would bring dignity back to the office. Then came that debacle involving Isildur the Incredibly Lucky, as he's known around here, and Sauron was out again, leaving Vice Dark Lord Smeck Ironnose to take the reins. Now Ironnose is out and Sauron is back in.

Where does it end? When do we say, “Okay, Sauron. We’ve had enough of politics as usual. Now we want a maverick, middle of the aisle type of Dark Lord. Someone who won’t be beholden to the Military-Orcdustrial Complex.”

I must admit, however, that Sauron is the best man for the economy. Even the trolls all had jobs, the last time he was in office.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

More Headery Goodness

I'm sure you've already noticed that we've got another great header from Emily Cammisa!

Here's the textless version:
Scientist Riveter
I absolutely adore Emily's artistic style. I got to follow her work on this commission via Livestream, and it was a joy to watch.

And, you know, I see some of your Discus avatars, and they could use some work. I'm not pointing any fingers, but some of you don't even have avatars, which is shameful. But lo, here's the solution! Go to Emily's site and request a commission. She's fast, does great work, and is incredibly easy to work with. Not to mention, her rates are a steal for an artist this talented.

You can also check out her Tumblr, if you like to get to know a person before they deliver unto you sheer awesomeness.

Sheer awesomeness. Delivered. Unto you.

Think about it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

MRE Review: First Strike Ration Menu 2 Review (Part 1)

First Strike Ration

As convenient and useful as MREs are for supplying nutritional needs in the field, they're not actually great combat rations. The standard-issue MRE contains excess packaging and convenience items that are nice for morale, but which take up space and weight that you just can't afford when you're behind enemy lines, marching across country, and/or hunting orc.

So what do you do when you need to travel light? You ditch all the shit you won't be using anyway, of course. To see how much a typical MRE can be slimmed down, check out this video from a graduate of Marine Corps Officer Candidate School. But it's a bitter compromise, isn't it? Without the flameless ration heater, that potato cheddar soup just isn't going to reach its full, delicious potential.

Enter the First Strike Ration (or FSR.) The FSR is designed from the ground up to put the maximum number of calories into the smallest possible space, with foods that taste good cold and can be eaten on the go. One FSR packs an entire day's worth of food into a space that's not much larger or heavier than an unstripped MRE. To accomplish this, FSR menus features some classic, high-calorie MRE items, as well as some new friends, specially tailored for highly mobile units operating far from any commissary.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Crying Wolf

There's a little girl in my neighborhood who likes nothing more than to scream at the top of her lungs. I'll be sitting down to do some writing when suddenly, from the street, I hear a high-pitched, "AAAYAYAYYYYAYAYY!"

I'm worried about what will happen to her if she ever gets into actual danger. Not because people in the neighborhood will think she's faking, mind you. It's because, at this point, we all kind of want her to die.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

When You're a Superhero's Girlfriend, Part 2

Well, well, well. The last edition ran long so I split it into two parts garnered so much appreciation that I had no choice but to do another one. So, without further self-serving lies ado, I give you some more handy tips for being a superhero's girlfriend!

The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to be unprepared for all the weird shit you’re about to go through.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year

No article this week, what with the likely excuse holiday. Speaking of festive, I found these screenshots while cleaning out some old folders:

Taxidermy automaton fox fairground circus freak auction
I know what you're thinking: "Are there any more of these in the world? It would make a great belated Christmas present for those kids I forgot I had."

Sadly, I am convinced that this thing was hand-forged by the demon Adramalech from the twisted soul of a serial killer, and is therefore a one-of-a-kind item.

Taxidermy automaton fox fairground circus freak
This thing costs sixty-seven pounds to ship. That may sound outrageous, but remember that, by law, it has to be escorted by an exorcist at all times.
Taxidermy automaton fox fairground circus freak

"I tried to throw it away, but it kept showing up in my living room again. I took it to the foundry and burned it, but when I got home, it was right there, waiting for me, staring at me. A Gypsy woman told me that the only way to get rid of it is if someone willingly takes it from me."

Taxidermy automaton fox fairground circus freak
Six people bid on this thing, but only one of them won the auction and is currently being eaten alive by it.