Wednesday, February 26, 2014

MRE Review: First Strike Ration Menu 2 (Part 2)

Final Fantasy: Strike First!

I usually start these reviews with some background information, but I used up all the background material in the first part of this review, so... umm...

Hey, did you know the First Strike Ration, unlike a regular MRE, comes with a resealable bag that you can use for trash? Because, ummm, all that trash might attract bears or something. Or possibly because dropping loose trash creates a perfect trail for the Predator to follow. You know, on your way back to the choppa.

I really should have planned this better.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Family Rolodex

Do your parents and grandparents have a habit of calling their kids by their other kids' names?

My grandmother does this constantly. In fact, she usually uses more than one one wrong name before she gets it right, running through the list of her kids in chronological order, like she's flipping through a mental rolodex. Sometimes she'll even overshoot and have to go into reverse. Last Sunday, when I called her up, the conversation went like this:

Grandma: "T'other day I got a call from Wilkins. No, Hunter, Sadie, Curley...  Sadie, Hunter. I got a call from Hunter."

Me: "Oh, what did Uncle Hunter have to say?"

Grandma: "Don't know. I was awah' at the supermarket."

I love my nana.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Game Review: Violett

Violett Game

Violett is a point-and-click adventure game that's half Coraline and half Alice in Wonderland. Of course, Coraline was already part Alice in Wonderland, which means Violett is like a child born of first cousins. All the good hereditary traits are there, but some double-recessives popped up as well, leaving the whole package more than a little flawed.

You play as Violett, a precocious teenager whose family has just moved into a dilapidated old house in the middle of nowhere. They're not even unpacked yet and Violett's parents are already arguing, so she retreats to her crummy new room for a good sulk. Sitting on her bed, contemplating the inequities of life, she notices a glint through a mousehole in the wall. She reaches in and discovers a strange amulet, which begins to sparkle and glow in her hand. Suddenly, Violett finds herself falling through a kaleidoscopic void. She comes to her senses inside the mousehole, a shrunken prisoner of Her Spiderness, the wicked ruler of this tiny new world.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Mail Order

You can buy pretty much anything online, these days, but some things still surprise you.

I draw your attention to Bioreclamation, a company which bills itself as the "complete resource for all biologicals." It's a bold claim, but I think you'll agree that they live up to it, when they deliver fresh human tears directly to your door:

Mail order human tears

Yes, this is 100% real. If you want to buy some tears from these fine folk, here's the link. You can get your tears from a single "donor," or pool tears from several people. If you want a specific type of tears, like grief tears or onion-chopping  tears, I bet they'll be able to arrange it. But I'm guessing their standard tears come from tragic drifters that nobody will ever miss—drifters who drift no more, because they're now tied up in Bioreclamation's basement, with tubes stapled to their eyeballs.

As always, I do not receive any commission or kickback from the sale of items featured on this blog. That's how you know I'm being honest and objective when I say that you can depend on Bioreclamation for all your fresh human tear needs.

I'll tell you one thing, though, this is sure going to speed up development of my sorrow-powered laser.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Death

I have almost died on three separate occasions.

The first was a rattlesnake bite.

The second was a car wreck.

The third was a seedless grape.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Bears

Bear How About No

A friend was recently telling me about a camping experience, in which bears were rooting around outside her tent. She told me that she resolved, if the bears came into the tent, to throw herself over her children to protect them.

Parents: Do not attempt to throw yourself over your children to protect them from bear attacks. Because, and please stop me if this gets too technical for you, IT'S A FUCKING BEAR. It's like six times your size. It is not going to stop at you, on its way to your children. If anything, this strategy will make your family even more enticing, since a parent thrown over children is like bacon-wrapped shrimp to a bear.

If you really want to protect your children, throw the kid that you love least to the bears, then run away with the others. Oh, and it's best to pick the sacrificial child ahead of time, so you won't waste precious seconds deciding.

Whether you tell the kid is a personal parenting choice that's better left to you.