Crime and Punishment II

Crime and Punishment
Part II

I always had a fascination with the law. I think it comes from a subconscious desire to rescue my family from their greatest threat: the criminal justice system.

As a teenager, in the early days of the web, I stumbled upon FindLaw.com and I was instantly hooked. This was back in the days before every conceivable tidbit of human knowledge was online and easily searchable, so FindLaw blew my mind. In the weeks that followed, I spent my free time browsing through federal statutes, Supreme Court opinions, and case law. How did I fit this aimless research into my social calendar? It was easy because, by a remarkable coincidence, I didn’t have any friends at the time.

Let's Not: Time Travel

Let's Not: 

Some Common Mistakes to Avoid
When Traveling Through Time

Maybe the idea came to you in a vision.

Maybe it came when you were reading a physics journal.

Or when you fell off the toilet.

Turning it into reality took decades. While your scientific peers were winning awards, discovering particles, curing diseases... you spent long nights alone in a workshop, in a monomaniacal fugue, focused upon this singular, hopeless dream. They called you a fool. They called you mad. They called you wrong, and that hurt most of all.

They said it was a boondoggle, but now you've proved them wrong. It's finished. It is... a time machine. There it stands, gleaming in the light of a workbench lamp. You itch to step inside and turn it on, to traverse the eons and witness all the wonders of the future and the past.

But wait!

Before you go gallivanting around the Roman Forum in 29BC or visit the Chinese moon base in 2014, let’s spend some time (of which you now have plenty) considering a few common mistakes that people in your situation often make. Remember, those who do not learn from the future are doomed to repeat it.

The Digestive System, Part 1: Teeth and Spit

If you’re like most people, everything you know about your own digestive system can be summed up by the following diagram, which I drew on my phone:

But is that all there is to the digestive system? Is the journey from food to poop really just a bland, 3-step trip through a poorly sketched flipper baby?

Actually, no!

As a matter of fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome. You see, our digestive systems have evolved with us over millions of years, shaping us into the efficient, fatass omnivores we are today. So come with me—won’t you?—on a magical journey through your own innards. It’s a journey through acid and bile, into the depths of a world that's shrouded in mystery, yet closer than your own ass. It's a world where an alchemical brew of ions and enzymes can transmute the basest foods into fuel for your body. It's a world where there are a thousand times more bacteria than you have brain cells.

We'll enter this world the same way most everything does: through the mouth.

Digital Cosplay

Check it out!

Emily Cammisa made this fantastic drawing of yours truly. Please go to her website and buy things!

And try to guess who I'm dressed as. I'll write a haiku for the winner, on the subject of your choice.

MRE Review: Menu 16, Pork Rib

 
I was never in the military.

I tried to enlist, but the doctors at MEPS said my feet were too flat, my vision was too blurry, and that I was, quote, “too ugly for the Marines.” So they slapped a baloney sandwich into my hand, tossed me out, and left me to hitch a ride home any way I could.

You think I’m lying about the sandwich, but it’s true. I'd missed lunch, because it takes longer to fail a MEPS physical than to pass it. Those doctors search long and hard for any excuse to let you through. When they finally gave up on me, late in the afternoon, the last lady to leave the cafeteria took pity and made me a sandwich, just as the other staff were shoving my ass out the door.

Still reeling from the shock, my face a mask of pathetic rejection, I walked listlessly through the streets of Tampa, clutching a baloney sandwich to my chest. It was not a pretty sight.

But don’t weep for me. I bounced back from that disappointment and managed to pay for college without the military's help. And, just recently, I ordered a case of MREs, for reasons that have no connection whatsoever to any of the events I’ve just described. (At this point, you may be asking, “Then why the hell did you write all that shit about MEPS and paying for college?” Allow me to address your question with a question of my own: “Why the hell did you read it?”)

MREs are Meals Ready-to-Eat, the military’s solution for feeding hungry soldiers deployed