Mistakes to Avoid When You're a Superhero's Girlfriend

Maybe you first met him in high school. Or maybe it was on his first day of work. Or maybe it was that time you were kidnapped by a masked madman and tied up over a vat of acid. Maybe you hardly knew he existed until circumstances threw you together and he finally had a chance to prove his worth, at which point you learned that he’d been obsessed with you for years.

Creepily obsessed with you.

For years.

Yeeeeeah, so you probably should have shut that down right there. But something in the back of your brain (possibly a minor embolism from the acid fumes) told you to go ahead and date him, and now you're a superhero’s girlfriend.

Your relationship sure had a rocky start, but it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out. Right?

Well, it could be, if you avoid these common mistakes...

Digestive System, Part 9: The Colon

Adapted from an image CC CC Olek Remesz.

The last time we looked at the digestive system, feces was piling up in the cecum. So where’s it going from there?

We’ve already gone over contractions in the colon that serve primarily to mix, but the real movers and shakers in the colonic mobility world are Giant Migrating Contractions. GMCs are real truth in advertising: contractions that cause giant migrations (of poop.) They occur in the small intestines too, to move chyme into the cecum, but in the colon they’re notable for occurring only three times per day, and moving feces a full third of the way through the colon at one go.¹ You’ve probably noticed these from time to time, as a sensation of sudden movement inside your belly. The next time you notice one, make sure to tell the person next to you that your colonic feces has just undergone a Giant Migrating Contraction. If they don’t edge away from you, it’s love.

MRE Review: Menu 13, Tortellini Vegetarian

You’ll recall that we've been exploring the problem of under-consumption in early MRE’s. According to a scientific report, the top three reasons for troops not cleaning their plates were:

1. The food was shit
2. Field conditions are not conducive to eating
3. People are fucking stupid

We've already tackled the first two, so let’s finish this sucker off, Thanksgiving style, with an essay I like to call…

Dude? People Are Fucking Stupid

Digestive System, Part 8: Liver and Cecum

Okay, so by now you've absorbed all those tasty amino acids, sugars, fats, vitamins, and minerals. They've passed through the enterocytes and into the bloodstream (with the exception of some fats and fat-soluble vitamins, which at this point are still wandering around lost in the lymphatic system.) But, now that the bulk of nutrients are in the bloodstream, they must be rushing to the four corners of the body, to be shared equally by your cells and tissues, right?

You’re so ignorant, you disgust me.

Of course they aren't! You can't just give them free rein to wander around wherever they please! There could be terrorists in those nutrients. And what do we do to keep out terrorists? We give them a security screening.

So please remove all shoes and jackets, and place all metal and electronic devices in the tray, because you're in line for the hepatic portal system.

MRE Review: Menu 19, Beef Roast

In the last couple reviews, we’ve been exploring the problem of MRE under-consumption. According to research commissioned during and after the first Gulf War, the primary problems were:

1. The food is shit
2. Field conditions are not conducive to eating
3. People are fucking stupid

Today, we’ll look at the second item on the list, in an essay that I like to call…

It Ain’t Easy to Eat Dinner When You’re Posted Downwind of a Latrine

Letter Writing Has Not Gone Out of Style

Hey, have you guys ever read The Lazlo Letters?

As far as zany performance art goes, it's second to none. And, well... let's just say that it's been a bad influence on me. Here's an actual letter that I recently sent to Nathan's Hot Dogs:

After I sent that letter off, I sat down and thought, "Okay, I've had my fun. Now, how can my letters help improve the world?" The answer presented itself immediately:

And then, I'm ashamed to say, I reverted to form:

Plain text transcripts after the break...

Digestive System, Part 7: The Ileum

The border between the jejunum and the ileum is… not a border. Unlike the organs we've been looking at so far, there is no clear demarcation line between jejunum and ileum. They transition smoothly into each other as we travel down the small intestine, becoming progressively less jejunumy and more ileumy as they go. With no anatomical guidepost to demarcate them, the jejunum is arbitrarily designated as the first 2/5ths of the small intestine (not including the duodenum,) and the ileum is said to make up the last 3/5ths.

The two are not very different. You can have your entire jejunum removed, in fact, with little effect on your health. I mean, I wouldn't recommend super-sizing your meals if you don't have a jejunum, but you can live a basically normal life. Over time, the ileum will even adapt itself, becoming more jejunumy in order to take up the slack.¹