Letter Writing Has Not Gone Out of Style

Hey, have you guys ever read The Lazlo Letters?

As far as zany performance art goes, it's second to none. And, well... let's just say that it's been a bad influence on me. Here's an actual letter that I recently sent to Nathan's Hot Dogs:

After I sent that letter off, I sat down and thought, "Okay, I've had my fun. Now, how can my letters help improve the world?" The answer presented itself immediately:

And then, I'm ashamed to say, I reverted to form:

Plain text transcripts after the break...

Nathan

Nathan's Famous Executive Offices

One Jericho Plaza

Second Floor - Wing A

Jericho, New York 11753

Dear Nathan,

I will say it plainly: Your hot dogs are too suggestive.

It's bad enough that their overall shape resembles an adultery-stick, but why must they curve so obscenely—sloping gently downward into a soft, warm pair of buns? That, sir, is positively vulgar.

We at A.C.I.D. will not stand idle while such an immoral food item destroys the moral core of America. Our entire organization is prepared to boycott your hot dogs, along with the rest of your diabolically erotic menu, until you vow to make them in a less arousing shape.

**

Any Senior Executive in Charge of Drama Shows

TNT Network

1010 Techwood Dr. NW

Atlanta, GA 30318

Dear Senior Executive,

Please put Beau Bridges in all your television shows.

**

Her Majesty the Queen

Buckingham Palace

London SW1A 1AAA

United Kingdom

Dear Madam Queen,

Play Bohemian Rhapsody!