Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Buffy's The Master Discovers WebTV

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Master
The Master Discovers WebTV

Date: 9:42pm, March 5th, 1997
To: vampires, I guess
Subject: Test

Hello? Zackary set this damn machine up so I can communicate with you, my acolytes, while I am locked in this magical prison. Anyway, I just woke up and I’m goddamn hungry. Someone bring me human cattle to feast upon. Bring me something young and pretty, because food isn’t all about taste, you know. Presentation is also important.

Looking forward to The Harvest, when I will choose a vessel to set me free of my magical prison. Hope you are too.


Date: 9:52pm, March 5th, 1997
Subject: Re: Test

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tips for When You Go Camping With Werewolves

MST3K Werewolf Driving Car

It would have been such a nice visit to the woods, if not for them. They came in, they tore your cabin apart, they drank all your beer, and they ripped your belly open to feast upon your delicious entrails.

They're werewolves, and they can ruin any camping trip. But you can protect yourself from these and other feral shapeshifters, if you only follow these handy tips...

Any Port in the Storm (Will Eat Your Lungs)

If some terrifying beast is stalking you through the woods, and you just happen to come across a nice lady who gives you shelter in her cabin—her cabin in the monster-infested woods, where she's all alone, because the rest of the family is “gone for the weekend?”

Thursday, June 12, 2014

You need art!

Americans (and also lesser peoples) require more art in their lives.

"I know," I hear you saying, "but the only art in my life is this drawing of the treasury building on a ten dollar bill, the eagles on these two quarters, and whatever the hell's on the back of a dime. Roosevelt's houseplants or something. How am I going to get any real art?"

The answer, my friend, is that you already have everything you need to get a sketch commissioned by Emily Camissa, the talented artist who created the banner art for this very website.

Just clutch that $10.60 in your sweaty hand and e-mail You can also get further details right here.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Proterozoic Eon, Part 3

Cyanobacterial Fields Forever
 Adapted from an image Copyright and CC Martyn Gorman

Last time in the Proterozoic Eon, we were playing Monopoly to pass an epoch or ten. And it looks like you've just about bankrupted me. Masterful use of Broadway and Park Place. Now just let me check the time… Yup, like a typical game of Monopoly, that one took a hundred million years.

So now it's 2.4 billion years ago, and we're on the beach in Toronto. Let’s take a look around, shall we?

You may remember that I promised you an environmental catastrophe, but you can be forgiven for not seeing it. Looking around here, it seems that the bacterial mats are thicker and greener than ever. The land is a barren wasteland that looks more like Mars than Earth, but it was like that before the disaster. The only big change is that the sea bed and a lot of the shore has turned a cool shade of red. So where's the catastrophe?