Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Eleanor Grk'stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

Orc kindergarten teacher of mordor

The Diary of Eleanor Grk’stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

15th of Muckfell, 2951
Sauron has returned and retaken his place as Dark Lord of Mordor. I have mixed feelings about that.

I didn’t vote for him, but he is my Dark Lord and, as a patriotic Mordorian, I feel I must support him. I do worry that we’re making something of a dynasty, though. I mean, we already had Sauron as Dark Lord back in the Second Age. After only one term, the Numenoreans defeated him and Dinky the Foul rose in his place. After Dinky the Foul disgraced himself by failing to have a sex scandal, we elected Sauron again, thinking he would bring dignity back to the office. Then came that debacle involving Isildur the Incredibly Lucky, as he's known around here, and Sauron was out again, leaving Vice Dark Lord Smeck Ironnose to take the reins. Now Ironnose is out and Sauron is back in.

Where does it end? When do we say, “Okay, Sauron. We’ve had enough of politics as usual. Now we want a maverick, middle of the aisle type of Dark Lord. Someone who won’t be beholden to the Military-Orcdustrial Complex.”

I must admit, however, that Sauron is the best man for the economy. Even the trolls all had jobs, the last time he was in office.

23rd of Scabuary, 2954
A funny thing happened today. I was telling my kindergarten class about orc origins—how we were perfected from the original, flawed design of elves—when I felt the ground shake. I thought it was just the oliphaunt at the petting zoo acting up, so I told my class to stay in their seats. But then rocks started to drop onto the roof!

I ran to the window and, would you believe it? Orodruin was erupting! It was the most lovely pyroclastic flow I’ve ever seen, so I let the kids out early to play in the falling ash.

I must admit that had my doubts about Sauron, but he’s really proven himself this time. Orodruin is awake and everyone has a job—even my useless half-brother, Groksnore Windybutt. They’ve got him up on the Black Gate, repainting the ramparts from Nurnen Black to Military Black. It’s really just make-work, but at least he has his self-esteem back.

Truly, the skies are looking darker than I can ever remember them.

1st of Rotvember, 2976
The Mouth of Sauron came by the school today to give a speech to the kids. It was all about peace through strength. If I’d heard that speech back in 2951, I would have called it jingoist nonsense.

But as I listened, I could feel my heart surge, because Sauron’s really done it. The streets are unsafe, where just a few decades ago they were embarrassingly peaceful, and our gross domestic product is grosser than it’s been in a long time. We’re doing so well, in fact, that the Fell-eral Reserve Bank may have to raise interest rates to keep the economy from overheating. Sauron’s good on the environment, too. I visited the Sea of Nurmen last year, and it was covered from shore to shore in pristine, acidic sludge. I remember visiting that very seashore as a girl, when the water was so bad you could almost bathe in it.

I think I'm going to stop at the mall today, and pick up an "I Love My Dark Lord" t-shirt.

11th of Scabtember, 2995
Can you believe Gondor? This morning, they launched an unprovoked attack on Osgiliath, claiming some right to the place because they lived there over a thousand years ago. Do humans even live for a thousand years? Now, I'm not an expert on human physiology, but I don’t think they live that long. I guess what I mean to say is, there’s no way any of those Gondorians are settling down in their old houses.

So let’s be frank about the real reason for this attack: Gondor hates us for our prosperity. This is an inexcusable assault on Mordorian sovereignty, provoked only by jealousy at our outstanding economic performance. They know that, at the rate our industry is growing, we’ll soon surpass them in exports to Rhun and Dale. They know it, and they want to forestall our prosperity any way they can, even if it means a war.

Ugh, what savages.

3rd of Decimatember, 3006
The Gwardian newspaper has uncovered evidence that Sauron has been conducting domestic surveillance without a warrant. A lot of orcs are brushing it off, saying that “everyone already knew” Sauron was spying on Mordorian citizens. “What did you think that giant flaming eye hovering over Barad Dur was for?” the parent of one of my students said.

Still, I’m troubled by this revelation. I always thought there was a wall between spying on other nations and spying domestically. People say that Osgiliath changed everything, that Sauron needs to spy on us to protect us from Gondorian infiltration, but I just don’t buy it.

12th of Blarch, 3017
The Nazgul Khamul gave a presentation before the Ublighted Nations today, claiming that Gondor is hiding WMD’s: Weapons of Mordor’s Destruction.

I had my doubts before, but the presentation was very convincing. I'm now certain that Gondor has been plotting another attack on us, and that regime change is the only way to prevent it. We can’t wait for the sanctions to work, or to gather the kind of proof that some orcs want to see. If we wait too long, the smoking trebuchet may be a mush doom cloud.

And yet, there are young orcs protesting in the streets against Sauron. I just don't understand them. Get a job, you overwashed peaceniks!

1st of Blarch, 3019
Good news! The wizard Saruman has agreed to join Mordor in a coalition of the willing. Even now, Saruman’s forces are marching on Rohan, while our army is massing to attack Gondor. Ji Indur assures us that the fighting will be over within a week, and we’ll be greeted as liberators. Gondor will hold parades for us, while maidens toss stench blossoms from the rooftops. Furthermore, since Gondor has such enormous soil deposits, the war will pay for itself.

Which is not to say we're attacking Gondor for their soil. We're attacking because, well, we can't just leave the Steward of Gondor running that country. He's a confirmed maniac and his own people don't even want him, which is why they'll surely thank us.

Once Gondor has elected a Mordor-friendly leader (such as the exiled Gondorian-turned-Nazgul Hoarmurath, who has been such an outspoken proponent of Gondorian regime-change,) we can begin to heal the rifts between our two nations and forge an alliance that will last forever.

Oh, I can see the troops going by outside! I can't wait to watch them return in victory.

16th of Blarch, 3019

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