Friday, February 7, 2014


Bear How About No

A friend was recently telling me about a camping experience, in which bears were rooting around outside her tent. She told me that she resolved, if the bears came into the tent, to throw herself over her children to protect them.

Parents: Do not attempt to throw yourself over your children to protect them from bear attacks. Because, and please stop me if this gets too technical for you, IT'S A FUCKING BEAR. It's like six times your size. It is not going to stop at you, on its way to your children. If anything, this strategy will make your family even more enticing, since a parent thrown over children is like bacon-wrapped shrimp to a bear.

If you really want to protect your children, throw the kid that you love least to the bears, then run away with the others. Oh, and it's best to pick the sacrificial child ahead of time, so you won't waste precious seconds deciding.

Whether you tell the kid is a personal parenting choice that's better left to you.

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