Wednesday, March 26, 2014

More Letters

I've been writing letters again. Text versions are below the cut.

Google Search via letter: Steak N' Shake, mojito, Josh Hutcherson's butt

And more letters...

Letter to Hollywood: Sperm Equality

But in the end, all things must be balanced.

Letter to Animal Control: Not enough birds in my neighborhood

 Google, Inc.
ATTN: Search “Engine”
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, CA 94043

Dear Google,

I don’t own a computer and can’t use your Google in the normal way, so please mail me driving directions to the nearest Steak N’ Shake, instructions on how to mix a mojito, and a close-up picture of Josh Hutcherson’s butt.

Thank you,


Care of: Hawk Koch, President
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
8949 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Dear Hollywood (generally,)

I am writing to request, nay, to demand sperm equality.

Through the years, you have produced countless portrayals of self-aware sperm. In films ranging from Look Who’s Talkling to Look Who’s Talking Too, we’ve seen sperm swimming around and making witty comments.

So what’s wrong with this picture?

What’s wrong is, all the sperm have male voices, and that just doesn’t make sense. Human sperm can have either an X or a Y chromosome, which implies that talking sperm can be either male or female. And yet, in every portrayal of talking sperm that Hollywood produces, the sperm are all males!

I’m tired of this masculocentric view of sperm and I demand, nay, ardently demand that Hollywood begin practicing sperm equality this instant. And don’t be all like, “We use male sperm because there aren’t any good female sperm actors,” because we’ve heard that excuse before.

Sincerely yours,


Silicon Valley Animal Control
Bird Department
3370 Thomas Road
Santa Clara, CA 95054

Dear Animal Control,

My neighborhood doesn’t have enough sparrows in it.

Please add no fewer than 12 sparrows, but no more than 58 sparrows, to my neighborhood.

Thank you,

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