Wednesday, May 14, 2014

When You Have Vampires, Part 2

Buffy the Vampire Slayer stakes Sesame Street's The Count

So you followed all the tips in the previous guide, and you still can't get rid of those pesky vampires? Well, hold onto your blood, because we're back with another round of handy-dandy anti-vampirism tips. Let's begin with something that really ought to be obvious...

A Moveable Feast is Better than a Stationary One

If the vampires know where you live? GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

I don't understand why more vampire-targeted people don’t do this. Even getting a motel room on the other side of town is better than going back to the same house every night. I mean, it's no ironclad guarantee against exsanguination, but at least the bastards will have to put a little effort into eating you. It’s called hardening the target, jackass. Look into it.

And you know what’s even better than moving across town? Leaving the country. I mean, the country you’re in can’t be all that great anyway—it has vampires in it. So how about a nice new country on the other side of the planet? Someplace where the cost of living is low and you won’t wake up dead some morning, and then undead the next night?

Speaking of which, why haven’t you reversed your sleeping schedule yet? Seriously, you’ve got vampires after you. They rule the night and rue the day. So here’s a tip, brainiac: sleep when they can’t sneak up on you.

Oh, and don’t count on the law of sacred hospitality to keep vampires from getting to you, if you've really pissed them off. They may need an invitation to enter your house, but they don’t need an invitation to set it on fire.

Here’s a Thought: Maybe We Should Exploit Our Enemy’s Many Debilitating Weaknesses?

Press the advantages you have.

For example, if your vampire enemies are repelled by crosses? Why the hell aren’t you wearing a cross all the time? I don’t care if you’re Jewish, Muslim, atheist, or Hindu. Wear the fucking cross! Tell people you’re wearing it ironically, if that’s what it takes, but wear it all the time. Wear it to bed. Wear it in the goddamn shower.

In fact, why haven’t you bedazzlered crosses into all of your clothing already? Especially your turtleneck sweaters, which you should now be wearing year-round. Again, if this causes weird looks, you can get away with anything if you call it an ironic statement.

And keep in mind that you don’t have to stick to the classics. A stake and mallet may be traditional, but you know what else is great for punching through a ribcage? A shotgun. Just shave a stake to fit the bore, and there you go. It won't shoot very straight, but it’s still pretty badass, isn’t it?

And where’s your holy water, dumbass? It’s not like the stuff's hard to get. Churches give this valuable weapon away for free. So get one of those big five-gallon water-cooler jugs and make the rounds. Just think about it like this: if you collect enough holy water to shower with, you won’t have to wear that turtleneck in there.

How to Strike Back, Or: Don’t Be a Moron, Moron

So, now that you’ve gathered up all the weapons and protections you’ll need, it’s time to assault the vampire’s stronghold, right?

Okay, hit pause there, little buddy. There’s one thing that you absolutely have to do first, and that’s to check the time. If sunset is an hour away, and it’s a forty-five minute trip to the spooky castle where the vampires live, maybe you should put this shindig off until morning.

For that matter, why are you going to their stronghold, into the dark heart of their power? All you have to do is stay in one place and the damned damned will come to you. Hell, they’ll flock to you. You should know this by now.

So just pretend to be asleep, all snuggled in your bed with your crucifix-bedazzled pajamas on, your stake-gun clutched to your chest, and a bucket of holy water perched above you on the bed stand.

Why the hell is this so hard to figure out?

Try Not to Desecrate the Holy Artifacts, Okay?

Eucharist Host Priest Peanut Butter
God hates creamy.

There’s such a thing as being too clever with your holy weapons. If you’re tempted to put holy water in a super-soaker or chuck consecrated hosts like you’re a ninja throwing shurikens, you might want to think again.

I mean, that holy water is only holy until it’s not, you know? And according to Christian teachings, those consecrated hosts are the flesh of Jesus. You wouldn’t use a bloody chunk of meat cut from the flank of a your lord as a projectile weapon, would you? Of course not. You’d put it in your mouth and eat it, like a sensible person.

A Fate Worse than Undeath

But let's say these tips fail you, and you become entranced by a vampire. He seduces you right and proper, reveals his dark secret, and is on the verge of draining the life from you, then suddenly stops and starts weeping about how lonely and damned the undead are. What should you do?

Just run.

Run faster than you were going to run when he was merely trying to kill you. Because this shit isn’t going to end with just one angst session. The torture of the dark trick is all you two are going to be talking about, from now until the day he finally breaks down and makes you a vampire—at which point you’ll learn exactly how right he was about that constant torment thing.

Except, you'll find that the constant torment isn’t about bloodlust, or inhumanity, or even crushing guilt. It’s the torment of being incredibly, constantly, insufferably lame. As lame as listening to Nickleback on your Zune while wearing a baseball cap turned backwards. Lamer, even, because there’s a good chance you sparkle in sunlight now, instead of bursting into flame like any self-respecting creature of the night.

So just run.

*  *  *

And if you liked this article, just run for the archives, where you'll find dozens more, just like it. Seriously, they're like, almost exactly like it. I should probably get a new schtick.

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