Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tips for When You Go Camping With Werewolves

MST3K Werewolf Driving Car

It would have been such a nice visit to the woods, if not for them. They came in, they tore your cabin apart, they drank all your beer, and they ripped your belly open to feast upon your delicious entrails.

They're werewolves, and they can ruin any camping trip. But you can protect yourself from these and other feral shapeshifters, if you only follow these handy tips...

Any Port in the Storm (Will Eat Your Lungs)

If some terrifying beast is stalking you through the woods, and you just happen to come across a nice lady who gives you shelter in her cabin—her cabin in the monster-infested woods, where she's all alone, because the rest of the family is “gone for the weekend?”

SHE'S WORKING WITH THE WEREWOLVES, MORON. That’s why the werewolves chased you here in the first place. Did you seriously think they just herded you to the only safe place within a hundred miles by accident? Do you think they're out there, smacking themselves on the forehead and saying, “Oh, woops. We chased our victims right to that helpful lady’s house again. We gotta stop doing that”?

So here's what you do: take her hostage. If you have any qualms about it, just remember that she's only being helpful so her friends can eat you, and you only have to keep her tied up until after the full moon.

Use the Power of the Pack Against Them
Twilight Wolf Jacob "The first thing we'll eat is out own shirts."
"The first thing we'll eat is our own shirts."

Both wolves and humans will shy away from eating an animal they’ve formed an emotional bond with. My grandfather used to illustrate this by telling us about a calf his parents purchased. “Joe,” as the children soon named him, was the only large animal on the farm, and the problem with having only one large animal is that it becomes an attraction. The kids name it, ride on it, and talk to it. And when it came time to slaughter Joe, no one could do it. They had to trade him for the neighbor's cow, "Sally." Sally, holding none of the sentimental attachments of her predecessor, was on the dinner table within an hour.

What does this mean to you?

It means that, if you’re staying with people who might be werewolves, you really want to get on their good side. Laugh at their jokes. Touch them affectionately on the arm while talking. Be a hugger. Oh, and bring them treats. Cook for them at mealtimes, and make snacks in between. Wolves love that shit, and there’s a bonus: if they fill up on snacks before the moon rises, they won't be as hungry.

Just don't let them trade you to the werewolf-infested woods down the road.

A Bunch of Uncategorized Advice Because Shut Up It's Late That's Why
  • You might think there’s no point in running away from a wolf-human hybrid, but you’d be surprised. Werewolves apparently suffer from the same sorts of hip dysplasia that affects larger dogs, as most run barely faster than an ordinary human.
  • Stay away from the wacky caretaker. No, he isn’t a werewolf, but he’ll be werewolf food soon enough, and you don’t want to be near him when that happens.
  • Silver is a terrible material for bullets. A silver bullet is going to deform and break apart when fired from a pistol, let alone a rifle. It’s better (and much easier) to make silver pellets and load them into shotgun shells. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be pellets. In an emergency, you can drop your earrings down the barrel and fire away.
  • It’s okay to confront the werewolves on their own territory, if you’ve been the primary target of their attention so far. History says you'll probably live. If you haven’t been their primary target? If, in fact, you’re basically ancillary to this whole werewolf thing, and only going along as a favor to someone? You will be eaten.
  • Don’t have sex with a werewolf. Seriously, why do I have to say this in almost every goddamn survival guide?
  • The absolute best way to neutralize a werewolf is to create a love triangle involving a vampire.
  • No, it’s not fun to sleep nose-to-anus. Enough said.
  • If there’s a menacing, slavering sound coming from outside your cabin? Don’t leave the freaking cabin! Because—and think hard about this—when was the last time a menacing, slavering sound was connected to something that didn’t want to kill you? I assure you that it’s not Ed McMahon who's slavering outside your window, waiting with a giant novelty check for ten million dollars. Or, if it is, it’s werewolf Ed McMahon, and he’s going to eat you immediately after presenting it.
  • Don’t try to call the police. It never works. At best, the cops will be eaten. At worst, they’ll already be werewolves.
  • Werewolves have very hierarchical power structures. You know what other species forms hierarchical power structures? Human beings. If you can convince the werewolves that you’re a very powerful person—like a politician, CEO, or blogger—they might just respect you enough to leave you alone.
  • Werewolves have a powerful instinct to chase. You can use this to your advantage, if you can get them to chase something else. It may seem silly, but don’t underestimate the power of a ball or a Frisbee. When in doubt, you can also throw money. Werewolves are part human, so you’ll be tempting the most compelling instincts of both species.
 Finally, Listen to the Townies
An American Werewolf in London: Slaughtered Lamb Inbreds
They may be severely inbred, but they know their business.

Hey, here’s an idea, genius. If the folk in town, who by all appearances live in terror of some lurking horror, tell you to stay out of the woods/desert/moors?


I mean, sure, those townies seem like superstitious nitwits, but why the hell would you want to wander into a wilderness area, anyway? Even if you weren’t specifically warned against it, even if there weren't any werewolves around, that would be pretty freaking stupid.

Oh, and never drink at a bar whose name is a revealing pun, such as the "Slaughtered Lamb" or the "Rip Your Windpipe Out Saloon". This goes not just for werewolf towns, but for life in general.

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