Review: Unwrap My Heart by Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox

When I first scammed a free review copy of Unwrap My Heart, I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. Sure, co-authors Alex Falcone and Ezra Fox have shown, across hundreds of episodes of the Read It and Weep podcast, that they are great at dissecting bad books. But, as I discovered about halfway through performing my own knee surgery to save money, putting things together is a lot harder than taking things apart.

Unwrap My Heart is a YA supernatural parody romance, first conceived on the Read It and Weep podcast. The book is narrated from the perspective of high schooler Sophia, who finds herself falling in love with the new guy Seth—who's pretty obviously a secret mummy. The sunken, hollow eyes and bandages are a bit of a giveaway, though most people pass it off as a hipster affectation. Sophia, for her part, is accident prone to the point of constant self-endangerment, so vacuous that you wonder what Seth could possibly see in her, and entirely unperturbed as Seth graduates from creepy stalker behavior, to infantilizing her, to outright manipulation by selective refusal to communicate.

If any of this sounds oddly familiar, it's because Unwrap My Heart rarely strays from its chief well of parody: the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Even when it does depart, it does so with a nod (or perhaps a middle finger) to the popular series about a hundred-year-old vampire dating a teenage girl. Take the moment when Seth clears up some confusion regarding his own age:

"We're basically the same age. Which is good, really. Monster or no, if I was hundreds or thousands of years older than you this would be a really troubling relationship."

But is Unwrap My Heart any good? And have I been stalling on answering that question, in the hopes of screwing with the authors' heads, playing upon their emotional and artistic investment for no better reason than my own sadistic pleasure? The answer to both questions is a resounding "yes," and if you've forgotten what the first question even was, let me reiterate: I loved every page of this wonderful little book.

The voice of Unwrap My Heart is reminiscent of the playful, sarcastic tone of a Read It and Weep episode, and I was pleased to discover that the authors' skill at podcasting is matched by a skill for novel-writing. The book has a coherent, satisfying, and well-paced plot. The prose is smooth. The jokes come frequently enough to keep you chuckling, but not so thick as to take you out of the story, or to turn it into a hollow farce. Against all odds, a couple of podcasters decided to base their first novel on an off-hand joke from the show, and somehow managed to create a real page turner.

The one area where the book falls short is in the characters. While they are undeniably interesting, for the most part they aren't terribly engaging. Considering the book's core purpose—to satirize the genre and make a mockery of fantasy writers tapping ever-more-outlandish creatures for teenage girls to have a problematic romance with—it's hard to fault the authors for this. But I will fault them, both because they chose their premise and now must live with it, and because it turns out I'm kind of a jerk.

The great shortcoming in the characters is that, for the most part, they're simply not characters. Instead, they're jokey reflections of characters from other books. Sophia's dad is warm-hearted, devoted, and rocks an amazing mustache because the dad in Twilight has these traits. Motivations and hobbies seem to exist solely to service a joke or reference. I could easily forgive this if the book was a farce through and through, but there's a welcome thread of sincerity weaved into its pages which makes you want to care about these characters, while the characters themselves give you little to care about.

But this is not a fatal flaw. Despite the weak characters, Unwrap My Heart is an absolute delight to read. It's a balm for these trying times and an antidote to the abusive romances found in so much bestselling YA fiction. I found myself staying up late, walking to the store with my nose buried in my Kindle, and reading in a parked car for so long that my neighbors worried I was having a stroke, because I just couldn't put it down.

In short, I highly recommend this book and I can't wait to see what these folks cook up next.

Unwrap My Heart will be available December 1st, 2016 on Amazon and through the book's website at http://unwrapmyheart.com/

Note also that familiarity with the Twilight series and other books in that genre is not required to enjoy Unwrap My Heart, but if you really want to brush up on it, the Read It and Weep crew have you covered with the extensive review that kicked off their podcast.

Go Read a Book

Ah, summertime. It's warm, the sun is shining, and everyone's so cheerful.

I hate stupid summertime, for all those reasons and more.

But you know what makes it better? A good book. Especially because, after you're finished enjoying it, you can use it to block the sun and/or throw it forcefully at the next person who dares to be cheerful at you.

"But Robyn," you say, "with all the choices available to me, how can I possibly know which book to enjoy?"

Answer: I will tell you. I will tell you which book to enjoy. You are going to enjoy this book:

Rosemary Harper has just arrived on the Wayfarer, a wormhole tunneler ship with a colorful (both literally and figuratively) crew. Rosemary is trying to get as far as possible from her old life on Mars, and she's in luck, because Wayfarer's next job will take it straight into the distant, deadly, and war-torn heart of the galaxy. So, umm... mission accomplished?

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet is a very fresh take on the pan-species starship subgenre of science fiction. The aliens are truly alien, in cultural mores as well as appearance, which adds a fun extra dimension to the personality conflicts aboard ship. Beyond the strife on Wayfarer, the galaxy too feels like a deep, rich, and complex place—the worldbuilding aspect of the novel is truly excellent. The politics, technology, and even humanity's circumstances amid the stars are a big change from what you usually see in science fiction, but it's all sold effortlessly.

Full disclosure: the author, Becky Chambers, has done some editing on one my projects, so this should be considered more of a plug than a review. If it was a review, however, I would still have nothing but good things to say about the book, and I'd still recommend you buy it.

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet is only $4.99 in ebook format through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords. A paperback version is also available from Amazon and Createspace.

Interview with Ron Jockman

Ron Jockman. He’s a writer, painter, genius, and 20/20 visionary.

I recently visited Ron in the Southeast African home he built with his own hands and filled with his own watercolor landscape paintings, and asked him a few questions about the Rockman Chronicles.

ROBYN: First of all, Ron, thank you for allowing me to visit you in your Southeast African home that you built with your own hands and filled with your own watercolor landscape paintings, and thank you for letting me ask you a few questions about the Rockman Chronicles.

JOCKMAN: It’s my pleasure.

ROBYN: The first book in the Rockman Chronicles is clearly the finest work in English literature. The second book is tied for finest, but it’s also the book with the most heart. What does its heart look like?

JOCKMAN: I’ve been asked this one a lot. I always tell people it would be an exact replica of a Tyrannosaurus heart. Those animals are fierce mothers, and like the Tyrannosaurus, I’m very protective of my babies — my books.

ROBYN: Are any of your characters based on people you know? For example, I’ve always wondered if John Rockman is based on your mother.

JOCKMAN: Imagine if my mother and I had a baby; I think that would be pretty close to John Rockman’s epicenter. My mother has done a lot to raise me into a good human. Of course as I spread my metaphorical wings, I take what I’ve learned and apply it to my work. As it stands currently, I embody all that John Rockman stands for. It’s so easy to write for a character like that, because it’s not a far stretch. A character like Maria, for instance, was a little more of a challenge. I haven’t had much contact with women outside of my mother, which is very insightful in itself. I’ve done research at the public library, and I have developed a sixth sense about the female brain. I feel like, as I write more of females in my books, I fulfill any annoying human need to procreate. My mom sometimes says Maria’s my girlfriend. [chuckles] I don’t know about that...

ROBYN: Just how frustrating is it, to be infinitely smarter and more competent than those around you?

JOCKMAN: I find that it’s not really frustrating at all. For instance, I know that, just by looking at you, I’m much smarter than you. I’m the one that’s going to sleep easy tonight. You’re the one that has to live with that, you know?

ROBYN: We see a more vulnerable, damaged, man-kissing side of John Rockman in Cosmic Brain. Did you have to practice being vulnerable, damaged, and man-kissy as research for the book?

JOCKMAN: I am a staunch supporter of equal rights in sexual preference. That being said, I would never, ever kiss a man. I do like to raise awareness of sexually transmitted diseases and their effects on society in my work. You’ll see that in The Cosmic Brain of Corruption. It’s literally oozing out of every orifice, burning with meaning and thought provoking secretion.

ROBYN: Who will play John Rockman in the inevitable movie version of the Rockman chronicles?

JOCKMAN: As I’m sure you’re well aware, Robyn, I create ‘Mind Movie Masterpieces,’ as I call them. There is nothing more powerful than the imagination of a creative person. Unfortunately, not all my readers are creative types, which is fine. It’s my job as the creator to paint a scene, a character, a story so well, that my readers can see a glimpse of what I experience every day. You can’t create a big Hollywood movie that will paint a better masterpiece than that. There is no budget out there that can remotely come close to the scale and intricacy of The Rockman Chronicles. There are no actors alive or dead that could be John Rockman, to the extent that I would believe it. Probably Jon Hamm.

ROBYN: I noticed, reading John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption, that many supposedly great writers have stolen your ideas before you even published them. Just thinking about it makes me red with sympathy rage. How are you planning to take your revenge?

JOCKMAN: I often say, ‘revenge is a dish best served warm’. I can tell you don’t understand... let me explain. By dish, I don’t mean just a plate — I mean the dish has food on it and the food is warm. Good food. Who wants to eat a cold meal on a plate? No one. Not even my enemies. That way they eat the poison I put in it. Next question.

ROBYN: If you were to become a scientist, which field would your Nobel Prizes be in?

JOCKMAN: That’s a good question. What’s your next one?

ROBYN: Do you ever feel like you’ve gone too far, written something too amazing for today’s readers? If so, how do you deal with that?

JOCKMAN: Once I went too far. I was lost in my own head for days. The only way I got out of that cavernous expanse of wonder and danger was following the call of my mother’s voice. She called to me that dinner was ready and I finally snapped out of my mind-prison. I was on my floor, naked, cold, and shivering. Next to me was a single sheet of paper and written upon it was something so deep, so perceptive, so clever, that I had to destroy it and wipe my memory of its contents. Then I went downstairs and had mac’n’cheese.

ROBYN: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would write books that are printed on murdered trees?

JOCKMAN: I don’t believe in paper. That’s why I make eBooks. Trees are nature’s people and we need to respect them. Though, my books will be available in print edition soon, as per fan request.

ROBYN: These alleged twin brothers I’ve heard of, Justin and Mitchell Lucas, what is their pitiful role in the great Ron Jockman empire?

JOCKMAN: This interview is over.

*  *  *

Ron Jockman's latest book, John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption, is available now from Amazon.

Review: John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption

You may remember Ron Jockman (fictional) as the author of the outstanding (but also fictional) John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar. Ron is the creation of brothers Justin and Mitchell Lucas, who decided to one-up the entire parody genre by parodying not just bad books, but the bad authors who write them. In their words, Ron is, “socially inept, selfish, misogynistic, opinionated, and an awful writer.” His id is a tangled yarn-ball of insecurity and pretentiousness, forever pawed at by the drunken kitten of his ego.

And now he’s back with the second book in the Rockman trilogy, John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption. But does Cosmic Brain match the awkward hilarity of Trials of Galactar?

In four words: yes it does… buddy. Cosmic Brain is a witty, observant parody, filled with the same brilliantly bad writing you loved in the previous book.

          Rockman was fifty percent resolve and fifty percent more resolve. He awaited some very personal information from his troubled companion. He was also ten percent sternness.

This time around, Rockman teams up with Niah, a brilliant cyborg cyberneticist whom Rockman is in no way sexually attracted to, even though Niah’s the exact sort of man Rockman would be attracted to, if he was attracted to men (which he certainly isn’t.)  Together, they battle space-chameleons, face their personal space-demons, and are forced—by circumstance alone—to space-kiss each other.

Working against them are a rogue’s gallery of roguish rogues, who do all kinds of roguish things to demonstrate how roguey and undefeatable they are. And then, of course, they get defeated by Rockman. There’s always a bigger fish, you see, and if Rockman was a fish, that fish would be Rockman.

          Rockman was right next to his ear. He whispered into that ear. “You were trained well, but your training is outdated. Always keep up on the things that interest you. Never stop learning.” With that, Rockman sliced Davitt into two equal pieces.

The Lucases’ love of science fiction is clear from their extensive knowledge of bad-author tropes, but Cosmic Brain is not an affectionate parody. Unlike typical science fiction parodies, most of which come from a place of love, Cosmic Brain comes from a place of unrepentant mockery, which I have named Mockghanistan.

If you remember, my one big complaint with Trials of Galactar was that it got a bit mired in Mockghanistan. I wouldn’t say the mire quagged, but there was indeed mire, if only because too much sarcasm becomes wearying. Cosmic Brain, on the other hand, is a much smoother read. I believe this is because Ron Jockman’s various authorial tics are blended and spaced more evenly in this book. Parts of Trials of Galactar felt like an unrelenting onslaught of goofy science, thesaurus-porn, or Rockman-worship. Cosmic Brain mixes up its comedic elements to better effect, giving the reader a rest from one while indulging another.

          Rockman felt like that hook right about then. He felt like a flimsy hook that couldn’t do its job. Rockman didn’t believe in himself anymore and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep himself and the General alive. Also, like these hooks, he was holding onto something heavy: guilt of so many dead lives he couldn’t save. It was pulling at him.
          “Well, there is another way to get back to Wret’s ship…” the General whispered. Rockman spun to General Steven. “What is it?! We need to hurry!” Just then a bang and a slam signified something big was heading down the hall towards the kitchen.
          Rockman was hooked on surviving, so since he was still holding the General by the sweaty-firm hand, he pulled him behind a cabinet that was next to a counter the entire time. He smirked at the hook pun a little bit, even though, overall, the hook analogy was more bad than good.

I can heartily recommend John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption. If you enjoy a good parody, science fiction or otherwise, I think you’ll find it fresh and funny. Cosmic Brain follows the events of Trials of Galactar, but stands well enough on its own, so the books can be enjoyed out of order.

*  *  *

John Rockman and the Cosmic Brain of Corruption is available in e-book format from Amazon for $2.99. The first book of the trilogy, John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar, is also available from Amazon, at the same price. Sample chapters can be found at those links, and either book can be borrowed for free if you’re an Amazon Prime member.

As always, I receive no holo-commissions or space-kickbacks when you follow those links.

Tomorrow, I have a special treat for you. I’ll be interviewing Ron Jockman himself, live on this blog. Except that it won’t be live and he’s not a real person. Nevertheless, I’m as excited as a Worfen-Torf in Slorfing season.

MRE Review: First Strike Ration Menu 2 (Part 2)

I usually start these reviews with some background information, but I used up all the background material in the first part of this review, so... umm...

Hey, did you know the First Strike Ration, unlike a regular MRE, comes with a resealable bag that you can use for trash? Because, ummm, all that trash might attract bears or something. Or possibly because dropping loose trash creates a perfect trail for the Predator to follow. You know, on your way back to the choppa.

I really should have planned this better.

Game Review: Violett

Violett is a point-and-click adventure game that's half Coraline and half Alice in Wonderland. Of course, Coraline was already part Alice in Wonderland, which means Violett is like a child born of first cousins. All the good hereditary traits are there, but some double-recessives popped up as well, leaving the whole package more than a little flawed.

You play as Violett, a precocious teenager whose family has just moved into a dilapidated old house in the middle of nowhere. They're not even unpacked yet and Violett's parents are already arguing, so she retreats to her crummy new room for a good sulk. Sitting on her bed, contemplating the inequities of life, she notices a glint through a mousehole in the wall. She reaches in and discovers a strange amulet, which begins to sparkle and glow in her hand. Suddenly, Violett finds herself falling through a kaleidoscopic void. She comes to her senses inside the mousehole, a shrunken prisoner of Her Spiderness, the wicked ruler of this tiny new world.

MRE Review: First Strike Ration Menu 2 Review (Part 1)

As convenient and useful as MREs are for supplying nutritional needs in the field, they're not actually great combat rations. The standard-issue MRE contains excess packaging and convenience items that are nice for morale, but which take up space and weight that you just can't afford when you're behind enemy lines, marching across country, and/or hunting orc.

So what do you do when you need to travel light? You ditch all the shit you won't be using anyway, of course. To see how much a typical MRE can be slimmed down, check out this video from a graduate of Marine Corps Officer Candidate School. But it's a bitter compromise, isn't it? Without the flameless ration heater, that potato cheddar soup just isn't going to reach its full, delicious potential.

Enter the First Strike Ration (or FSR.) The FSR is designed from the ground up to put the maximum number of calories into the smallest possible space, with foods that taste good cold and can be eaten on the go. One FSR packs an entire day's worth of food into a space that's not much larger or heavier than an unstripped MRE. To accomplish this, FSR menus features some classic, high-calorie MRE items, as well as some new friends, specially tailored for highly mobile units operating far from any commissary.

MRE Review: Menu 13, Tortellini Vegetarian

You’ll recall that we've been exploring the problem of under-consumption in early MRE’s. According to a scientific report, the top three reasons for troops not cleaning their plates were:

1. The food was shit
2. Field conditions are not conducive to eating
3. People are fucking stupid

We've already tackled the first two, so let’s finish this sucker off, Thanksgiving style, with an essay I like to call…

Dude? People Are Fucking Stupid

MRE Review: Menu 19, Beef Roast

In the last couple reviews, we’ve been exploring the problem of MRE under-consumption. According to research commissioned during and after the first Gulf War, the primary problems were:

1. The food is shit
2. Field conditions are not conducive to eating
3. People are fucking stupid

Today, we’ll look at the second item on the list, in an essay that I like to call…

It Ain’t Easy to Eat Dinner When You’re Posted Downwind of a Latrine

MRE Review: Menu 20, Spaghetti with Beef and Sauce

Last time, we told the story of how the Pentagon took a hard look at their field rations and identified, in a scientific report, three critical flaws that were leading to underconsumption:

1. The food is shit
2. Field conditions are not conducive to eating
3. People are fucking stupid

Today, we’ll look at the first item on the list, in an essay that I like to call…

Your Food is Shit, G-Man

Hardtack Review: 3 months old

Remember when I reviewed freshly made hardtack, and promised a follow-up review when it was appropriately aged? Well, it's been three months, so I owe you a review.

Which you will not be getting.

Because I value my life.

When I went to retrieve my hard tack from the dark hiding place where I kept it secret and not-so-as-it-turns-out-safe, I couldn't even see the original biscuit through the multiple, overlapping layers of mold. Yeah, there was mold growing on other mold. Because apparently, even the mold got sick of eating hardtack, and turned cannibal just to broaden its menu.

I sealed it all up and escorted it out of the apartment, under heavy guard, to its new home in the dumpster. I didn't even try to salvage the tupperware, nor think to take a picture (that probably would have gotten into National Geographic.) I just wanted it out of my living space before it could drive me into anaphylactic shock as, I am now convinced, was its plan from the start.

In hindsight, it may have been an error for me, someone with a severe mold allergy, to commit to reviewing a 3-month-old bread product that depends upon the skill of the cook for its shelf stability. But the danger never once crossed my mind—a testament to my unwavering commitment to you, gentle reader.

**

While you're here, why not check out my other ration reviews?

Fresh Hardtack
Menu 16, Pork Rib
Menu 22, Sloppy Joe
Menu 23, Pasta in Pesto
Menu 14, Ratatouille (Vegetarian)
Menu 15, Southwest Beef and Beans
Menu 8, Marinara Sauce with Meatballs
Menu 20, Spaghetti with Beef and Sauce 
Menu 19, Beef Roast
Menu 13, Tortellini Vegetarian 
Menu 18, Chicken with Noodles
First Strike Ration Menu 2 (Part 1)
First Strike Ration Menu 2 (Part 2)

Review: The Rockman Chronicles: Trials of Galactar

Rockman’s eyes opened slowly. The virtual room he saw was rectangular, and yes, it was a room. Luckily it wasn’t the air-flight scenario. Rockman was even more lucky it wasn’t the Easter Egg-Hunt Challenge, which could take light-months to complete, the END SCENARIO button only making itself visible after all the colored eggs were discovered and placed into a small basket.

-John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar

Ron Jockman: author, polymath, visionary. Future generations will look back upon the day that Ron Jockman first began to write fiction, and they will say to each other, in hushed tones, “That was when history began.” How privileged are we, to be alive at a time when he still writes (because, in the present, as opposed to the future, when future generations will live, he isn't dead yet?)

He is a genius of the written word. His every clicky little typewriter typing sound seems to cry to the mountains, “Brilliant!” And he’s a really fast typist, too, so all those “brilliants” merge into a glorious cacophony of splendor, echoing through the halls of his pages.

“Haven’t they ever seen a dweeby-eyed, naked, hairy pig-bodied floating bloated whore-gnome before?” Palthron spat.

Or, possibly, he’s just another inept nitwit with delusions of adequacy.

The Rockman Chronicles: John Rockman and the Trials of Galactar by the Prince of Galactar, by Ron Jockman, is not a book by Ron Jockman. It isn’t a book by the Prince of Galactar, either, because I’m pretty sure he’s fictional. Like Ron Jockman is.

She recoiled again, like a hobo being peed upon.

With me so far?

Mind power, Swede. Mind power!

If you read Robyn Straley's blog (and if not, why not?) you know that I recently tied for second/first place in her very first reader contest. If you were wondering what I won, then wonder no longer!

Handful of Salt magazine (which Robyn writes for!,) pistachios, foil stars ("as a 'grown up' you have to give them to yourself," says Robyn) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (which I have not read, and looks awesome,) The Space Swimmers (which I have not read, and looks awesomely horrible,) Bon Apppetit magazine, Hibiscus Tea, Salt from the Meadow, and a test tube o' salt from Robyn's wedding favors.

And, for some reason, my foodsaver and coffee maker are crashing the picture. I call that vanity.

Big thanks to Robyn Straley for these prizes!

Which I will now review.

MRE Review: Menu 8, Marinara Sauce with Meatballs

Getting soldiers, sailors, and marines to eat their rations is not as easy as you might think. Well, for soldiers and marines, anyway. Getting sailors to eat is as easy as serving food that actually tastes good. Crazy concept, but it works.

For the rest, under-consumption was a major problem in the first decade after MRE introduction, but a problem that went unnoticed by the top brass. Then, in 1990, Iraq invaded Kuwait, hundreds of thousands of American troops were flown off to remote stations guarding the Saudi-Kuwaiti border, and the ration issue came to a head. Stuck in these desert outposts, without regular resupply, troops had to subsist on nothing but MREs for months at a time.

MRE Review: Menu 15, Southwest Beef and Beans

In a previous review, we sat down and had an awkward talk about where MRE's come from. (Remember, kids: the only surefire way to avoid buying a civilian MRE is to wait until you're married to someone who works in the packaging plant.) Now let's dive into the contentious issue of whether an MRE's nutritional value begins at conception.

Meal Ready to Eat (MRE) R&D takes place at the Department of Defense (DoD) Combat Feeding Directorate (CFD) at the Army Soldier Research, Development, and Engineering Center (NSRDEC) in Natick, MA.

In other news, Pentagon bureaucrats now being paid by the acronym.

Candidate menu items are developed by food science chefs and designed to meet nutritional guidelines provided by the Surgeon General. Whatever dishes the chefs come up are first evaluated in the food lab by “sensory panelists" who, I'd like to think, are moderated by Dana Carvey playing John McLaughlin. Anything that makes it past the panelists is then submitted to a full field test and sampled by actual soldiers, sailors, and marines.

MRE Review: Menu 14, Ratatouille (Vegetarian)

Originally, there were no vegetarian MRE options. Because who gives a crap if people who are different than me starve to death in the field, amiright? The U.S. Military: Okay but Not Great at Keeping Our Troops Alive, Since 1775.

Finally, in 1996, the Pentagon expanded the selection with not one but two vegetarian menus: Cheese Tortellini and Pasta with Vegetables. Half-starved vegetarians rejoiced, but they were in for a nasty surprise: when they went into the field, the veggie MREs were already gone.

Where did they go?

Ration Mini-Review: Fresh Hardtack

A proper MRE review is coming on Wednesday but, in the meantime, let me give you a taste of the original meal ready to eat: hardtack.

Historically, most hardtack has been made with exactly two ingredients, flour and water. You'll see recipes with salt, baking powder, and even oil, but the soldiers and sailors of yore ate hardtack that was unadulterated by those luxury ingredients. Aiming to approximate their experience, I made the hardtack above by mixing a dough of whole grain flour and water, cutting it into roughly 3"x3"x1/2" squares, poking holes, and baking for 30 minutes per side at 350F. I then allowed the hardtack to cool and baked it 225F for another 30 minutes, to get the last of the moisture out. Some "ship's biscuit" hardtacks were baked a third or even a fourth time, to better survive months at sea, but let's not go overboard here (maritime pun!).

MRE Review: Menu 23, Pasta in Pesto

But seriously Robyn, I hear you asking, why the hell are you writing comical-in-quotation-marks reviews of MREs?

I’ll tell you why. I write them because, as a child, it was my dream to become the funniest person ever to review video games.

That dream was shattered when Gael Greene's hilarious review of GTA: Vice City set the bar impossibly high. But I'm plucky in defeat, and consoled myself by resolving to become the funniest person to ever review combat rations. It has the same number of syllables, but it's a much less competitive category. I have a chance to pull it off, assuming I can keep The Spoony Experiment's Noah Antwiler off my turf.

This man is too dangerous.
He cannot be allowed to learn of MREs.

And now to address the second most common question I receive (by exactly a 1 to 2 ratio): How did I manage to get my hands on these combat rations?

Past Due Reviews: Hyperdrive

Hyperdrive is no Red Dwarf. Let’s get that out of the way first thing. It was billed as a kind of spiritual heir to Red Dwarf, but it just doesn’t measure up to that lofty standard. Seriously, though, what the hell does? If Mark Twain collaborated with Jane Austen and God to write a sci-fi comedy show, it wouldn't be half as awesome as the first six seasons of Red Dwarf. It might, of course, rival seasons 7 and 8, and let's not speak of the movie. Or the extra season after that.

What the fuck Red Dwarf? Learn to end gracefully.

Anyway, we were talking about Hyperdrive.

Plugging a Good Cause and a Good Book

It's Microfinance Time.

As the owner of a blog with a weekly readership in the high single digits, I have a special obligation to endorse only the finest goods and services.

And it is without hesitation that I ask, nay, order you to buy Bob Harris's new book, The International Bank of Bob. So stop whatever you're doing. Turn off that web browser, put down that baby, shut down that air traffic control station, toss that beryllium dome back onto its sub-critical mass of plutonium, and go buy this book.

Bob Harris was working as a travel correspondent in Abu Dhabi, reviewing $75 cups of coffee,staying in