Mail Order

You can buy pretty much anything online, these days, but some things still surprise you.

I draw your attention to Bioreclamation, a company which bills itself as the "complete resource for all biologicals." It's a bold claim, but I think you'll agree that they live up to it, when they deliver fresh human tears directly to your door:

Yes, this is 100% real. If you want to buy some tears from these fine folk, here's the link. You can get your tears from a single "donor," or pool tears from several people. If you want a specific type of tears, like grief tears or onion-chopping  tears, I bet they'll be able to arrange it. But I'm guessing their standard tears come from tragic drifters that nobody will ever miss—drifters who drift no more, because they're now tied up in Bioreclamation's basement, with tubes stapled to their eyeballs.

As always, I do not receive any commission or kickback from the sale of items featured on this blog. That's how you know I'm being honest and objective when I say that you can depend on Bioreclamation for all your fresh human tear needs.

I'll tell you one thing, though, this is sure going to speed up development of my sorrow-powered laser.

Digestive System, Part 10: The Bitter End

Last time, we took a good hard look at the colon. Before we leave, let's take a short romp down a dead-end street called the appendix.

The vermiform appendix (from the Latin for “worm-shaped hanger on”) is a little pocket attached to the cecum. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Rather, it’s just a cul-de-sac off the large intestine, where poo can chill out and forget its worries for a while. You've probably been taught that it's vestigial—a useless waste of tissue, just like male nipples or Dr. Phil.

But is the appendix really purposeless?

Eleanor Grk'stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

The Diary of Eleanor Grk’stk, Kindergarten Teacher of Mordor

15th of Muckfell, 2951
Sauron has returned and retaken his place as Dark Lord of Mordor. I have mixed feelings about that.

I didn’t vote for him, but he is my Dark Lord and, as a patriotic Mordorian, I feel I must support him. I do worry that we’re making something of a dynasty, though. I mean, we already had Sauron as Dark Lord back in the Second Age. After only one term, the Numenoreans defeated him and Dinky the Foul rose in his place. After Dinky the Foul disgraced himself by failing to have a sex scandal, we elected Sauron again, thinking he would bring dignity back to the office. Then came that debacle involving Isildur the Incredibly Lucky, as he's known around here, and Sauron was out again, leaving Vice Dark Lord Smeck Ironnose to take the reins. Now Ironnose is out and Sauron is back in.

Where does it end? When do we say, “Okay, Sauron. We’ve had enough of politics as usual. Now we want a maverick, middle of the aisle type of Dark Lord. Someone who won’t be beholden to the Military-Orcdustrial Complex.”

I must admit, however, that Sauron is the best man for the economy. Even the trolls all had jobs, the last time he was in office.

More Headery Goodness

I'm sure you've already noticed that we've got another great header from Emily Cammisa!

Here's the textless version:

I absolutely adore Emily's artistic style. I got to follow her work on this commission via Livestream, and it was a joy to watch.

And, you know, I see some of your Discus avatars, and they could use some work. I'm not pointing any fingers, but some of you don't even have avatars, which is shameful. But lo, here's the solution! Go to Emily's site and request a commission. She's fast, does great work, and is incredibly easy to work with. Not to mention, her rates are a steal for an artist this talented.

You can also check out her Tumblr, if you like to get to know a person before they deliver unto you sheer awesomeness.

Sheer awesomeness. Delivered. Unto you.

Think about it.

MRE Review: First Strike Ration Menu 2 Review (Part 1)

As convenient and useful as MREs are for supplying nutritional needs in the field, they're not actually great combat rations. The standard-issue MRE contains excess packaging and convenience items that are nice for morale, but which take up space and weight that you just can't afford when you're behind enemy lines, marching across country, and/or hunting orc.

So what do you do when you need to travel light? You ditch all the shit you won't be using anyway, of course. To see how much a typical MRE can be slimmed down, check out this video from a graduate of Marine Corps Officer Candidate School. But it's a bitter compromise, isn't it? Without the flameless ration heater, that potato cheddar soup just isn't going to reach its full, delicious potential.

Enter the First Strike Ration (or FSR.) The FSR is designed from the ground up to put the maximum number of calories into the smallest possible space, with foods that taste good cold and can be eaten on the go. One FSR packs an entire day's worth of food into a space that's not much larger or heavier than an unstripped MRE. To accomplish this, FSR menus features some classic, high-calorie MRE items, as well as some new friends, specially tailored for highly mobile units operating far from any commissary.

When You're a Superhero's Girlfriend, Part 2

Well, well, well. The last edition ran long so I split it into two parts garnered so much appreciation that I had no choice but to do another one. So, without further self-serving lies ado, I give you some more handy tips for being a superhero's girlfriend!

The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to be unprepared for all the weird shit you’re about to go through.

MRE Review: Menu 18, Chicken with Noodles

Bread and the military go way back, but it hasn't always been a happy relationship.

Hard breads have gone by a few different names through the ages. The Egyptians made theirs out of millet and called it dhourra. The Romans called theirs buccellum. British sailors called the stuff “hard tack,” a name that spread to America and is still used today.