Buffy's The Master Discovers WebTV

The Master Discovers WebTV

Date: 9:42pm, March 5th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: vampires, I guess
Subject: Test

Hello? Zackary set this damn machine up so I can communicate with you, my acolytes, while I am locked in this magical prison. Anyway, I just woke up and I’m goddamn hungry. Someone bring me human cattle to feast upon. Bring me something young and pretty, because food isn’t all about taste, you know. Presentation is also important.

Looking forward to The Harvest, when I will choose a vessel to set me free of my magical prison. Hope you are too.

***

Date: 9:52pm, March 5th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Test

So apparently you can’t type “vampires, I guess” into the “to:” line of this infernal machine and expect it to go out to vampires. That's stupider than you, Claw. When I send something to “vampires,” I expect my message to go to vampires, not return to me with some mewling error message, and a pathetic excuse like “address not found.” If it didn’t find the address, it should have kept on looking!

Zackary is sitting behind me,  telling me this “Webteevee” contraption requires very specific commands, because it’s too stupid to follow general orders or take any initiative. Ha! It reminds me of you cretins. Except for you, Darla. You’re the best.

P.S. If someone doesn’t bring me human cattle to feast upon in the next few minutes, I will instruct this machine to hunt you down and incinerate you. Okay, Zackary is telling me that it can’t do that, either. For the record, I’m very disappointed in my internet experience, so far.

***

Date: 4:15am, March 6th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: chatting

Holy crap, is it 4am already? I’ve been “surfing” the “net” and the time just got away from me.

Did you know there are “chat” “rooms” on the “net” where human cattle congregate to discuss trivial matters that, amid their contemptible little lives, are important to them? I would never sully myself by speaking to these apes face to face, but I can do so using these “chat” “rooms” without exposing myself to their obnoxious presence.

I’ve been “chatting” in a “room” named “#babylon5fans”. I’ve been there for hours, telling them how awful their babylon5s are. I don’t even know what a babylon5 is, but I take exquisite glee in watching their reactions. After I told them I would command my minions to steal all of their precious babylon5s and drain them of their blood, Zackary was worried they’d realize I’m a vampire. So, to cover for my little slip-up, I told them I was a completely different supernatural being: a troll. My deception appears to have worked.

I command all of you to join me in this “chat” “room” so we may torment them together. Be sure to tell them you’re trolls, and not vampires.

***

Date: 7:57pm, March 6th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: That was glorious

Wow, is it nearly 8 at night already?

Let me congratulate you all on your wonderful performance in the babylon5fans “chat” “room”. I still don’t know what in the infinite hells a babylon5 is, but it’s been a long time since I enjoyed tormenting mortals so much. This “internet” makes evil fun again.

My brilliant “troll” deception has been a stunning success. I even saw several mortal humans taking up the banner of “troll” and going forth to sow what they now call “trolling” all across the “internet.” We’ve started a trend here today, my minions—a trend of “trolling” that may last for days or even weeks.

***

Date: 6:32am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Fresh discoveries

Wow, is it after 6 in the morning already?

Did you know that there’s an entire other side to this contraption? Zackary just showed it to me. There’s a “web” side that has pictures and text, and little blue “links” that you can follow by “clicking.” You can’t chat with the web, and it doesn't respond to your mockery, but there are some very interesting things on it.

For example, I found a site that appears to be a catalogue of naked human cattle. Some of them look quite appetizing, though I haven’t figured out how to have them delivered to my underground prison. Zackary is my “web guru,” so I have him working on it while I go through them all and pick out my favorites.

I also discovered something called the “Simpsons Archive Fan Site”. I do not know who these Simpsons are, but their antics annoy me greatly. Luke, please bring them to me so that I may destroy them personally.

***

Date: 6:32am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Fresh discoveries

Zackary just said that the Simpsons are a “cartoon” and are therefore immune to my wrath.

Let me be clear: NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO MY WRATH (I AM TYPING THIS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE ZACKARY INFORMS ME THAT IT INDICATES SHOUTING.)

Bring me the Simpsons, so that I may destroy them, or it is you I shall destroy!

P.S. Except you, Darla. Love you.

***

Date: 8:15am, March 7, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Re: Fresh discoveries

The Simpsons were a huge disappointment. They did not engage in any of the annoying antics for which they are known on the “Simpsons Archive Fan Site.” Mostly, they just begged for their lives in a manner that was neither “hilarious” nor “zany.”  They did not even appear to realize that they were “cartoons.” But Luke assures me that they are indeed the Simpsons, and their “drivers licenses” confirm this.

The baby turned out to be quite tasty. The others I could take or leave.

***

Date: 12:43am, March 8th, 1997
From: TheMaster@webtv.com
To: Zackary@webtv.com, Darlababy@aol.com, thomthom@psinet.com, luke69@delphi.com, thepimpclaw@prodigy.com
Subject: Holy shit, we missed the harvest

Okay, this one’s on me. We missed The Harvest. That is completely my fault. As much as I’d like to blame you and punish you for your incompetence (except for you, Darla,) I have to admit that I got caught up reading about recent human mythology on Snopes.com and lost track of time.

Oh well. There’s always next century.