Transcript of Order of Dagon Contingency Planning Meeting Regarding The Key
Brother Kazamir: Order, order. This meeting will now come to order. Thank you for attending, Brothers. I’ve called you here today because the Hell Goddess known as The Beast, a.k.a. Glorificus, a.k.a. Glory, a.k.a. The Abomination, a.k.a. That Which Cannot Be Named, has discovered that we hold The Key and seeks us even now. If she defeats us and takes The Key, she will unleash Hell on Earth in her attempt to return to her own dimension.
Brother Michal: Question, Brother. I’ve never understood the “That Which Cannot Be Named” part. Can anyone explain that?
Brother Vladimir: It’s very simple, Michal. She is far too evil to even put a name to.
Brother Michal: But Kazamir just put a name to her. Several, in fact. For someone who cannot be named, she has quite a few of them.
Brother Kazamir: Will both of you please shut up? We refer to Glory as “That Which Cannot Be Named” because she was born in the far depths of time, when the universe was fluid and mystical—before sound, before speech, and thus before names.
Brother Vladimir: Fair enough, fair enough. But, technically speaking, can't anything that existed in that time be accurately called “That Which Cannot Be Named”? It seems to me that we need a more specific system. Perhaps Glory could be “That Which Cannot Be Named One”, and then the next thing which cannot be named would be two, and then three, and everything would follow from there, until eventually you reach things that can be named.
Brother Otmar: Oh, and can we change it to “That Which Could Not Be Named”? “That Which Cannot Be Named” implies that it cannot be named now, which is plainly untrue, since we're obviously naming it.
Brother Kazamir: I fear that we’re wandering from the point.
Brother Michal: I have an idea. Why don’t we call her “That Which Could Not Then But Currently Can Be Named.”
Brother Vladimir: One.
Brother Michal: What?
Brother Vladimir: “That Which Could Not Then But Currently Can Be Named One.”
Brother Michal: Can be named one what?
Brother Vladimir: No, no. I mean she’s the first thing that could not then but currently can be named.
Brother Otmar: Do we know that for certain, though? She could be the second thing that could not then but currently can be named.
Brother Vladimir: Yes, yes, but she’s the first thing that could not then be named, but which we’ve taken to naming now, though it could not once but now can certainly, currently... be... ummm... be named. Thus, one.
Brother Otmar: I don’t follow you.
Brother Kazamir: Shut up! Shut up! We’re here to talk about my plans for The Key! If Glory obtains The Key, the world is doomed! We must do everything in our power to hide it from her. We'll figure out the name shit later.
Brother Vladimir: Quite so! Please continue, Brother Kazamir.
Brother Kazamir: Very well. I have been working on this problem all night, and I have a brilliant solution. I propose that we use an ancient ritual to transform the key into a teenaged girl living in Southern California, younger sister to Buffy Summers, the Slayer, and that we alter the fabric of reality throughout the entire world so that all humanity—with the contractually stipulated exception of the mentally ill—believe The Key is and has always been Buffy’s younger sister.
[Here, the transcriber notes that there followed “One full minute of crickets chirping”.]
Brother Otmar: Apologies, Brother, but ARE YOU HIGH ON CRACK RIGHT NOW?
Brother Vladimir: I was just going to ask that.
Brother Kazamir: What? What? Why would you say such a thing? I think it's a good plan. I thought you'd like it!
Brother Michal: If I may be permitted to speak for my esteemed Brothers Otmar and Vladimir, I believe that they mean no insult, but merely wish to point out the fact that this is the plan of someone who’s high on crack.
Brother Kazamir: Oh, come on! Think about it! The Slayer will protect The Key, for The Key will be her own sister. For what would she sacrifice more, than for her own sister?
Brother Vladimir: I, uhh, I don't know about more, but I daresay she’d sacrifice exactly as much to protect a Key that could destroy the whole world.
Brother Otmar: Exactly. If we’re going to count on The Slayer, why not just give her the damn Key and tell her exactly what it’s for? Why all this obfuscation? It just seems like we could save everyone a lot of hassle that way. Also, The Key wouldn't be wandering around and causing shenanigans.
Brother Kazamir: But if The Key were a mere object to her, she might destroy it rather than letting it fall into Glory’s hands.
[Here, the transcriber notes that there followed “TWO full minutes of crickets chirping”.]
Brother Otmar: What, exactly, would be wrong with that?
Brother Vladimir: Indeed. In fact, why don't we just destroy it ourselves?
Brother Michal: I’ve always wondered why we don’t just break the damn thing. I mean, why keep it around when it serves no useful function and can destroy the world? That’s not the kind of thing you keep in a junk drawer, for old time’s sake.
Brother Kazamir: It is a sacred object of ancient power! We cannot simply smash it.
Brother Vladimir: Why not?
Brother Kazamir: Because... ancient power. You know. Ancient power!
Brother Vladimir: What ancient power? It only does one bloody thing. It opens up a gateway to every dimension simultaneously, thereby unleashing countless hells on Earth. What do we want one of those for?
Brother Michal: Maybe he's worried he'll get bored with the Earth someday?
Brother Otmar: You’re both wrong. Brother Kazamir keeps The Key around so he can extract favors from people. I can’t count the number of times I’ve refused to lend him money, and then he’s been all like, “That sure is a nice planet you got there. Shame if anything happened to it.”
Brother Michal: Merciful Dagon! That’s horrible!
Brother Kazamir: We’re not destroying The Key, okay? I'm putting my foot down. That’s final. And if you don’t like it, then...
Brother Vladimir: Are you threatening to unleash countless hells on Earth if we don’t go along with your stupid plan?
Brother Otmar: That’s exactly what he’s doing. He does it all the time.
Brother Michal: Now that I think of it, he did once threaten to destroy the Earth if I didn’t turn down my music.
Brother Otmar: So I suppose we have no choice.
Brother Kazamir: Then we're agreed. We use our powers to transform The Key into Buffy’s little sister. And we name her Dawn.
Brother Vladimir: Dawn?
Brother Kazamir: Give me that look one more time, Brother Vladimir, and I'll destroy the Earth. Don't think I won't.
Brother Michal: Ahem. I think, perhaps, that I’ve found a compromise...
[Here, the transcriber notes that Brother Michal held up a newspaper whose headline announced the impending launch of NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover, Opportunity.]
Brother Michal: Perhaps instead of transforming The Key into the Slayer’s little sister, we should transform it into the Mars robot’s little sister, eh?
Brother Otmar: And no one would ever suspect a thing! There would be no one to work out the secret, what with The Key being shot off to another planet. And even if they did suspect, how are they going to get to it?
Brother Kazamir:That's a stupid plan. Who would believe that NASA would launch two identical robots to the same planet?
Brother Vladimir: It's better than your dumb plan.
Brother Otmar: Because, unlike you, we’re not on crack.
Brother Kazamir: I am not on crack! Not... today.
Brother Vladimir: I'll lend you money for crack if you agree to our less insane plan.
Brother Kazamir: Deal!
Brother Otmar: Then let us begin the ceremony...
